Crap, I am really not looking forward to this.
I just got my CPAP machine calibrated today; looks like tonight is going to be my first night hooked up to this damnable thing. In case you can't tell, I am not happy about having to use a CPAP to treat my sleep apnea.
But let's go back a bit first. About 3 months ago, I was suffering from some unusual symptoms. I was always short of breath whenever I would go up hills or stairs, but I chalked that up to my weight. The skin on my right hand was suddenly chapped all the time, when my hands had always been soft before. Strangest of all was the swelling in my ankles and shins. They seemed to be puffed up like overinflated balloons. The swollen flesh had the consistency of clay; if I pressed my thumb into it, the dent would remain when I took my hand away.
So one day in the middle of July, on the drive into work, my heart felt like it was racing. I told Lindsay about it, and she said I should get checked out in the Help Center at work. (Lindsay is a friend and co-worker of mine. We live across the street from each other, and carpool to the office.) I went into the Help Center, and they listened to my heart. The doctor said I had an irregular heartbeat, and he told me that he was going to call my regular health care provider and have me go there for a checkup. When he called, they told him that I should check myself into the hospital.
Wait, what? The hospital? For some shortness of breath and a quick heartbeat? So I called upstairs, told my manager I wouldn't be in today, and went to Swedish Edmonds. Next thing I know, I am hooked up to an IV and being told that they are keeping me overnight for observation.
Long story short, staying in the hospital sucks. I spent three days in there, getting poked and prodded. My fluid intake was limited to 2 liters a day. (That was a pain, as I am always thirsty.) The first night, I felt like I wasn't getting any oxygen, no matter how deep I breathed. That led to a mini-panic of doctors and nurses in my room. I must have been sedated, because the next thing I remember was a nightmare about being a rat in a maze, forced to undergo tests and experiments to check my responsiveness to various stimuli.
That dream was quickly explained when I woke to find myself in a different room, hooked up to a breathing device that felt like I was French-kissing a vacuum cleaner. Additionally, while I was out, someone had taken the liberty of installing a catheter. That, I really could have done without. Freaking OW.
According to my cardiologist, I have sleep apnea. That's not a big surprise, as it runs in my family. My brother and my father have both been diagnosed with the same. In this case, the lack of oxygen caused damage to my heart, weakening the part that regulates a normal pulse. As a result, the part that kicks in when you're running a marathon had to take over, resulting in an atrial fibrillation. The doctor says that with proper medication and treatment, my heart can be back to 100% inside of six months. However, I will have to use a CPAP machine when I sleep, to ensure that enough oxygen is getting to my lungs.
Which brings me to today. Dad gave me a CPAP he already had, and I got it calibrated at the hospital this afternoon, to match the setting they used when I did a sleep study last month. And the truth of it is...
I hate this Goddamned thing.
I have tried the mask on, and it looks dorky as hell. I look like a third-rate Darth Vader knockoff. It feels clunky and awkward, and the first time I tried it, I damn near had a panic attack. The machine they used on me during the sleep study made me feel like I wasn't getting any air at all, and I feel like a freaking invalid hooked up to an oxygen tank. I hate feeling this helpless, and I hate it more when I realize I'm going to have to use this horrendous thing, or one like it, every night for the rest of my life.
What's going to happen when (or if) I get into a relationship with someone, and tell her that I have to sleep hooked up to a friggin' briefcase with a mask over my nose? Who's going to want to sleep next to a whirring geek machine? Hell, how am I going to sleep with this thing on? I have enough trouble falling asleep as it is; now I have to add this 10-pound, black plastic albatross into the equation?
This sucks. It really, really sucks.
People keep telling me that I'll get used to the machine. I can't see how. It's going to feel like I'm wearing a ball and chain, attached to my face, while I'm trying (and failing) to fall asleep.
So I decided to start writing in this journal, in order to express my thoughts about the whole damn mess. This should help me see if I actually am making progress, as well as allow me to vent my frustrations without annoying people around me. My friends and family are, of course, welcome to read this journal to see how I am coping with this challenge (modern double-speak for pain in the ass,) and I hope that I can find the experience informative enough that I can learn from it.
Man, trying to sleep tonight is going to SUCK.
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